Background: I’ve been married nearly 21 years and with all the warm and fuzzy now a thing of the past, you’d think my life is boring – yes? NO!

Proof point number 1 ….

Hubbie: “Ana, I’ve bought you a beautiful Christmas present. It’s really cool.”

Me: “Don’t tell me you’ve bought another laptop??” (he buys stuff like this and tells me the day before it gets delivered)

H: “No, why would I buy a laptop?” and shakes his head M: “Ok, you’ve bought another camera.”

H: “No, its not electronics. You’ll really like it. Wait until it arrives.”

Two days later ….

H: “Did you see your present? It’s in the foyer.”

I walk up to the foyer and see a huge box. It is a barbeque unit! By now I’ve learnt to expect almost anything, so I am really not surprised or shocked but curious as to why I’d love a bbq unit!

M: “Are you alright? Why would I be excited about a bbq unit?”

H: “Why not? It’s cool!” – said with a very innocent look on the face!

M: “What would a vego do with a bbq unit?”

H: “See, that’s the thing! We won’t have to cook chicken on your stove. We can use this now.”

M: “!#$!@#!@$!@#$#$%@#$%@!$#!$!”

Anyway, two days later ….

H: “Ana, I’ve bought you another present for Christmas because you didn’t like the last one.”

M: “What now?” He points me to a pack of DVD’s. I walk closer and find a whole collection of Dilbert DVD’s. Now I really am not a cartoon person at all. So I ask him ..

M: “So this is for me?”

H: “Yeah just for you .. so we can watch it together” with a smile on his face …

How can he even say and do all of this with a straight face?

Of all the dilemmas I go through as a parent this is probably on the top of my list.  Should I impose upon my daughter the same set of rules that I was brought up with or should I move with times?

This is an ongoing debate and I really am not sure if there is a ‘right or wrong answer’ to this one.  Each to their own would be my view.  So, will I let my daughter pursue an ‘alternative’ path should she choose?  I am torn – mainly because I am battling with two sets of value systems – that of my parents, that of my children’s generation and my generation that represents the middle ground.

As you’ve probably figured out, I draw inspiration from literature and of course Tamil – a language that is close to my heart for obvious reasons.  There is a famous piece of literary work called Kurunthogai (which is a series of love songs written in the Sangam Era which ranged from 200BC to 2AD year ).  I happened to read some of this work for a project I was working on.  I was amazed by the fact that people all those years ago were so much more contemporary in their thinking than we are today.  Maybe this is what we call evolution of society.  I thought I’d share a couple of poems from this collection.

Poem 1

Yayum yayum yaraginaro

Endaiyum nundaiyum emmurai kelir

Nanum neeyum evvazhi aridum

Sembula peyaneer pola

Anbudai nenjam dan kalandanave

My mother and your mother did not know each other
My father and your father are not related in any way

We met as strangers – in what way did we know each other?
But in love our hearts have entwined like the cool rain pouring on hot red desert soil.

There seems to be no consideration of taboos!  You and I like each other and when we come together it is like the meeting of cold rain and desert soil.  So much passion and raw emotion … and it seems to have been accepted!

Poem 2

Yaarum illai taane kalvan

Taan adu poippin yaan evan seigo

Tinai taal anna siri pasun kaala

Ozhugu neer aaral paarkkum

Kurugum Undu Taan Mananda Nyaandre

No one was there but he, the thief.
If he denies it, what shall I do?  On the day he took me
Only a heron with its thin golden legs stood by ,
eyeing the aral fish, in the gliding water.

She is only concerned that there was no witness in case he lies about their union.  Not about what people in the society may think of their union!

Yet today, the situation is so very different at least in Indian families.  Did we let the Mughals and Victorian British strip our spontaneity and passion in some way?  Have we become a victim of their rigid moral codes?  Let’s blame it on them!!!!

I am a product of the 80s and the whole concept of middle class existence appeals to me.  Everything that gives me happiness today has a direct correlation to the simple set of middle class values that I hold so close to my heart.  The whole idea of arranged marriage, walking into a marriage with no expectations and then learning to love and live in the following years appeals to me.  It doesn’t always work out.  I know of people who are in a marriage just out of habit.  There is so little affection, let alone love.  Living together has become a habit that they can’t break away from and also they worry about societal repercussions – and they exist together leading very separate lives.

My friends who have lived an alternative lifestyle say to me that I have truly missed out on a fantastic phase of my life because I haven’t experimented.  Their thinking is – when you experiment, you know when the person is right for you.  Are they happy?  Not always – I see a lot of unhappiness here too.  They walk into the marriage expecting chocolates and roses all their lives and sadly when the magic of early romance wears out, there is disillusionment. 

I believe that each path has its own set of pros and cons and that what works for one may not work for the other but I totally absolutely believe that people should have the right to choose their path without having to worry about repercussions!  Choice should be a birth right!  I know I am living in fool’s paradise.  I know that society is not going to change in my lifetime at least but I am an idealist and I do want a new world where people don’t feel compelled to pass judgment, a world where everyone can choose to live their lives as they please without being called names.  And I think to myself – ‘Anda Naalum Vandidado?’ (Will that day not Dawn upon us?)

Men – there are many types  – ‘breasts’ men, ‘legs’ men and ‘butt’ men but irrespective of their type, there seems to be this total and absolute fascination for breasts.  They become excited little children at the sight of a shapely pair!  A couple of times in my life, I’ve had to say to some poor souls – guys, I do have a face on my neck and it is feeling quite left out!!!

And why do I bring this up out of the blue?  Yes, I am random but not THAT random.  You see, I am an amateur anthropologist.  I could spend my life jut studying people and their behaviour! 

I spent the day at Bondi Beach yesterday.  For those of you who don’t know this is the place tourists from around the world come to bake their buns!  They leave behind their inhibitions at home and come to ‘live’ in a beautiful beach town and revel in the experience.  While the sun and sand appeals to lifestyle seekers, there is another group of people who are fascinated by Bondi.  It is voyeurs’ paradise and they come in large numbers to indulge!!  It is funny to see the tactics voyeurs adopt to indulge.  Here are the kinds that I noticed yesterday:

Blatant kind

I’ll look freely and openly.  That’s what I am here for …

Sly kind

 Oh I am just walking to the water with my sunglasses on … oh isn’t that a surprise, there are boobs .. how wonderful ; )

Sporty kind

I am playing a game of cricket!  Oops the ball is right next to the ‘subject’ – need to get closer

Keen photographers

Wow, isn’t the beach stunning .. look at the colours.  So vibrant!  Need to take a few pictures (but the camera focuses on areas where there are ‘subjects’).

I am sure there are many more ‘kinds’ and this is probably not a comprehensive list.  If I’ve missed out, please be sure to educate me!! 

I go through dilemmas in life – CONSTANTLY!  I’d like to think I don’t live in a lonely world out here.  Now these dilemmas - they are the boon and bane of my existence.  People who can relate to constantly ‘battling within themselves’ will understand the signficance of this statement …

Some of these are easily addressed:

1. What do I eat?  Should I binge today?
2. What colour do I wear today?
3. Should I hit the gym today?
4. Should I punch the goddamned specimens who make my life miserable?
5. Should I yell at the bus driver who hits the brake constantly making it impossible for me to read without feeling a bit queasy?

Others are sort of rhetoric and fall in the ‘not so easy’ category:

1. Should I be myself or should I conform?
2. Should I say it as it is or bite my tongue?
3. Should I prioritise 9 to 5 and sustenance over dreams and ideals?
4. Should I ‘feel’ and be passionate or be ‘controlled’ and mainstream?
5. Should I believe people when they tell me life starts at 40?
6. Should I believe in the cycle of karma?
7. Am I cut out for a life of hedonistic pleasures or spirituality?
8. Should I believe that good living = good health or indulge as I am going to kick the bucket anyway?
9. Should I act like an adult when I’d prefer not to?
10. Should I start an ashram for restless souls like me or persist with mundane chores normally reserved for those my age?

 And so they go … some are valid, some border on bizarre (and I’ve spared you the bizarre) but as I always say, I am only human!!

There are some very special people who’ve made a huge impact on my life. I dedicate this to one special person who came into my life – unannounced, a total stranger, and made such a deep impact on me that long after he has gone I still think of him, miss him and wish I could see his smiling face again!

As a teenager, growing up in Chennai, going to the temple was a regular routine. I was in the temple one day when this handsome old gentleman called out to me and asked me – ‘Can you sing?’ I nodded to him and said ‘yes’.   He then said to me – ‘why don’t you come and learn some bhajans from me? I teach at the temple everyday.’ My friend who was with me at the time said yes and I said yes too. And so our relationship started.

I was told his name was Mr M. O. Srinivasan and that he was a cricketer of some repute. In fact, he played for the Indian cricket team! A keen cricketer himself, my dad was in awe of my new teacher and I was actively encouraged to take lessons from this gentleman.

Now I have to confess that when I said I could sing that was a blatant lie because I was the most reluctant student ever. I had no motivation to learn music, was a terrible performer. I was tone deaf and out of tune 9 times out of 10! I only started music lessons because grandfather thought music was a more fulfilling pastime than dancing (dancing was my real interest because of all the pretty costumes!). I was not naturally musical but my grandfather thought I was the next best thing to MLV. He would make me ‘perform’ and smile proudly as I sang. How he could do it I will never understand because in those days I was pretty close to being totally AWFUL! My parents of course were my biggest fans after my grandfather passed away.

So, my lessons with this handsome old man started at the temple. I wasn’t his only student as I found out on my first day. He had a big group of students which included kids, adults and senior citizens of both genders. It was an unconventional set up and a quaint group but I enjoyed the madness of it all. A group of people, of varied musical capability learning from an old man who totally enjoyed his music and was totally oblivious to the imperfection around him! We fondly referred to him as MOS mama. MOS mama taught us beautiful bhajans and introduced to rare and exotic ragas. I gradually transformed from a hesitant student to a keen student. As my interest in music gradually grew, MOS mama started giving me personal tuintions. He invited me to his home every morning for extra lessons. I became a part of his family and his home became like second home to me. I enjoyed chatting to his family for hours after my lesson. As I grew as a singer he took me on stage to perform alongside him. I became a regular performer in his troupe and started accompanying him on interstate tours! He gave me three things that I treasure most in my life – my love for music, the best days of life and my friend Usha! Those interstate trips with him and his entourage which included Usha, Y G Sundar mama and some of the most fun people I’ve ever met have to go down in my book of special memories as the best ever days of my life!

Now, what makes MOS mama so special is his passion for music. Every time the topic of his fees came up he would say – ‘when you grow up and start earning money, send me donations of Rs.1000. For now just learn from me’. He refused to take any money for teaching us. He printed books at his own expense and gave it to all of us; he paid for our interstate trips and treated us like his own grand daughters. In an era where making money is the sole focus of many people’s lives, he shrugged off money and his reputation as a cricketer to pursue a dream, a dream which involved imparting the treasure of music to anyone who cared to learn! He was special and I am truly privileged to have known him.

MOS mama, I think of you everyday as I sing the songs you taught me. You aren’t with us in person anymore but the times I spent with you are in my memory for life. I am sorry I spent all my time arguing with you on just about anything rather than telling you how special you really were to me. Wherever you are now, please know that I adore you and to this day, you are the best teacher I’ve ever had. I miss you, wish I could go to your house in Thiruvanmiyur, see your happy handsome face and fight with you again.

Language and literature seem to be the worst hit casualties in the wave of globalisation. I am not just saying it – I believe it to be true. Guys, you can contradict or argue with me. That’s really what I want to see, healthy exchange of thought and eventually growth and evolution of thought.

In India, it has become very important to be educated and educated equates to ‘being proficient in English’. With the growth of call centres and our ongoing attempts to sound more ‘American’, ‘British’ or ‘Australian’ in an attempt to ‘serve’ customers better (and grow), we are losing touch with numerous languages – all with beautiful poetry and literature. I am not for a minute suggesting that we stop growing, stop making an impact on the global scene or that we become insular. What I am suggesting is that people take time out of their lives to stay in touch with their mother tongues at the very least. This I believe is not happening in a lot of cases. It has almost become fashionable to say ‘I can’t read or write Tamil’! I read in a blog recently that a journalist, a product of a posh private school in Chennai asked who Subramania Bharati was. Naturally, it breaks my heart. To me Bharati is a legend, a literary giant – someone we should all be celebrating but in current day Tamil Nadu, he is unimportant largely except in sparsely populated literary circles in obscure parts of town. Why?

He was a visionary, a pioneer of modern thought, everything that is relevant today he wrote about 100 years ago – he wrote about secularism, racial tolerance, eradication of the caste system and empowerment of women, topics that are so in vogue today but considered almost blasphemous in his day. He must have felt so isolated in his life because he would have been so different to the norm. I suspect his Nallador Veenai Seide is his inner grief conveyed in the form of poetry.

Nallador Veenai Seide Adai Nalam Keda Puzhudiyil Erivadundo

Solladi Sivashakthi Ennai Sudar migu arivudan padaithu vittaai

Vallamai taarayo inda maanilam payanura vazhvadarkke

Solladi Sivashakthi nila sumai ena vazhndida puriguvaiyo

Having crafted a beautiful Veena – is it fair the To let it perish in dust?

Oh Shivashakthi, you’ve blessed me with Intellect as bright as a beacon

Will you give me strength to Make myself useful to the world or

Will you condemn me To become a burden upon this land?

Most of his poems reflect his deepest emotions. He was a passionate man! In his day they didn’t give him the credit he was due because he was way ahead of his time! Today are we so apathetic that we don’t even spare some time to read his work. I thought it would be good to start reproducing his work here – all of us have read his poems but the way we react to a poem in student days is very different to the way we react later in life. I am hoping that we really read and take time to think about it this time. If ten people read this and enjoy it the way I have, I’ll feel happy about spreading the joy!

Bharati on Empowerment of Women

While he has written many songs on liberation of women this is very special to me!

Pennukku gnanathai vaithan – Puvi Peni valarthidum eesan

Mannukkulle sila moodar – nalla Maadar arivai keduthar

A woman was given high intellect by The God who created this world But some fools in this world Ruined the development of intellect in women.

Kangal irandinil ondrai – kuthi Kaatchi keduthidalamo?

Pengal arivai valarthal – vaiyyam Pedamaiyatridum kaaneer

By blinding one eye Will you not ruin perfect vision?

By encouraging a woman’s intellect Will the world not be a better place?

Bharati On Unity irrespective of Religion

Teeyinai kumbidum paarpar – nitham Dikkai vanangum turukkar Koyir siluvaiyin munne – nindru Kumbidum yesu madathar

Yaarum panindidum deivam – porul Yavinum nindridum deivam Paarukkulle deivam ondru – idir Par pala sandaigal vendam

Hindus who worship fire Muslims who worship facing the direction Christians who worship the Cross The Gods that all they worship And the philosophy that they believe in says There is but one God – so Don’t fight over religion!

Bharati On Discrimination based on Colour

Vellai nirathoru poonai – engal Veettil valarudu kandeer

Pillaigal petradu poonai – avai Perukku oru niramagum

Saambal niram oru kutti – karun Chaandu niram oru kutti

Paambu niram oru kutti – vellai

Paalin niram our kutti

Enda niram irundalum – avai Yaavum ore taram andro

Inda niram siridendrum – idu Etram endru sollalamo?

There was a white cat in my house It gave birth to kittens each a different colour They were all different shades of white brown and grey Irrespective of what colour they are aren’t they all the same kind Is it fair to say one colour is superior to the other?

Pure genius!  Wish he were alive today ….

Situation Analysis

 Number of computers – 3

One computer is the property of the man of the house and the second computer is a hand me down used by the youngest in the house.

That leaves 1 computer for 3 people in the house. One teenager, a computer literate 71 year old and me.

Our typical routines:

Me: 6am to 6.30am

Ani: 6.30am to whenever he leaves to uni

Amma: Any time that we are not online

Me: 6.15pm to 6.30pm

Ani: Until 10.30pm or later

Problem

When I walk to the computer every morning, the mouse is dead! The last user always forgets to charge the mouse. I must say I get very cranky!! I should be used to it but I am not! After repeated requests and orders, I decided it was time to act. Yesterday morning, in absolute frustration I hid the mouse so that the rest of them could suffer for one day – I know … very mature thinking but I was CRANKY. The only mistake I made – I told my lovely better half what I’d done.

10 minutes later I was in the shower.

Ani: Appa, I can’t find the mouse.

Appa: Ani amma has hidden it in the cupboard in the last draw because you forgot to charge it yesterday.   She told me not to tell you!!#$!#$#@%$@#@%

Ani: Ok and he takes it and uses it. Today morning, it is still out of charge!

Arrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh … please tell me I am not CHILDISH!!

Forgive (dictionary meanings):

1.  To grant pardon to (a person)
2. To cease to feel resentment against (to forgive one’s enemies)
3. To give up all claim on account of (a debt, obligation, etc.)
4. To grant pardon for or remission of (an offence, debt, etc.) absolve

 The subject matter of this blog focuses on definitions 1 & 2.

 I find myself thinking – is it even remotely possible to gain enough wisdom in our lifetime to achieve the state mentioned in 1 & 2.  How enlightened must a person be to actually achieve this??  I wonder if philosophers and architects of ‘social thought’ could ever have elevated themselves to the level of moral high ground that they prescribed!

 There are so many quotes on the virtue of ‘forgiving’.

 The New Testament: “If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also”.

 Now they are probably playing on reverse psychology here!  If someone slaps you, the natural reaction is to slap back but by showing the other cheek; you are likely to shock the person who slapped (colloquially the slapper!).  In the days that the testament was written, the thought process might have been that the slapper would show enough remorse and repent his act.  In this day and age where everything is about self gratification and self preservation, I doubt if anyone would feel the slightest amount of guilt or remorse!

 Subramanya Bharati, my favourite poet who I believe is a ‘poet of a lifetime’ says:

 Pagaivanukku Arulvaai Nan Nenje Pagaivanukku Arulvaai

(Oh Good Heart … Forgive your Enemy)

Pugai Naduvinil Thee iruppadai Bhoomiyil Kandome

(We’ve found that there is fire in the midst of all the smoke)

Pagai Naduvil Anburuvaana nam Paraman Vaazhgindran

(There must be some godliness in the enemy camp)

(So …. Forgive your Enemy)

 Pretty lofty morals for mere mortals like us! I wonder if he truly believed in what he wrote and that what he wrote was really achievable! 

 Mr Thiruvalluvar took idealism to the next level with the following couplets:

 “Agazhvaarai Taangum Nilam Pola Tannai Igazhvaarai Poruthal Thalai”

 (As Mother Earth bears up with diggers To bear revilers is a prime virtue)

 How true!  Mother Earth rewards all the injustice we pile upon her by giving us everything we need for sustenance and being so bountiful.  To even suggest we emulate Mother Earth is the heights of idealism, isn’t it?

“Poruthal Irappinai Endrum Adanai Marathal Adaninum Nandru”

 (Forgiving insults is a great virtue But greater is to forget it)

 “Oruthaarkku Oru Naalai Inbam Poruthaarkku Pondrum Tunaiyum Pugazh”

 (Revenge gives joy just for one day while Patience carries its praise for ages)

 Now, I am not trying to be disrespectful, but I am beginning to suspect that Mr Valluvar lived in a very lonely world if he surrounded himself with people who subscribed to his philosophy!  He would have been elevated to the status of Godliness if he truly personified his philosophy.  We do need high goals to aspire to is this practical? 

 At the risk of admitting to my inadequacies, I have not reached the level of magnanimity that is being recommended by these GREAT men.  I honestly do a lot of self introspection and try to improve myself and make myself a better person but I have to confess unabashedly that I have a while to go before (or might never ever) I achieve the state of mind that these enlightened souls have encouraged.  I try to forgive and block out resentment but it still surfaces with vengeance : )  Maybe I am a ‘lesser’ human being and have a lot of growing up to do – and so does the rest of the world!!!

It’s that time of the year again when the excitement begins to build in anticipation for golu. Planning is at a feverish pitch now! The steps have been set up; the dolls have come out of the basement to grace our living area and are waiting to be put on display tomorrow. Pooja plans have been completed, invitee lists have been prepared, invites have been sent out, the menu has been planned, gifts have been packed and what’s left is the most exciting task of all – select my saris and accessories! I look forward to this season every year without fail. What is it about this festival that excites me?

• It celebrates women – probably one of the few festivals in any culture that celebrates women and this has been in existence from hundreds of years ago.

• The festival goes on for 10 full days – so ten full days of excitement and partying!

• You visit people you haven’t visited in a year (since the last golu that is)!

• You eat eat eat (which these days is not such a great thing). I used to eat without a care but with my growing girth, I’ve had to cut down on my over indulgence!!

• DRESS up!! This is when I have a legitimate reason to dress up. While you celebrate goddesses, you can’t look bad!! I know I am pathetic but little things like this excite me.

Memories of golu during childhood years are still fresh in my memory. I am not sure if any child today would be excited about dressing up as Gods and Goddesses and walking on the streets in that costume to visit golu’s in other houses but that’s what excited me most! We were special because we could dress up as Gods!! We probably looked ridiculous but no one ever said anything : )

I have to confess that while I enjoy the excitement of this festival, I absolutely HATE packing the dolls away after their hour of glory and pulling things apart when it’s over! Why do all good things have to come to an end??

This year however has been just so hectic and busy that I think I will look forward to the time after Diwali … put my tired feet up, go to the beach, read and be happy and rested until I go away to India in the end of the year!

Its a ridiculous song … but it makes me smile!!   Maybe I am in the wrong profession .. I can write deep and meaningful songs like this too : ) 

Hey excuse me mr kandhasamy
oru coffee kudipom come with me
hott ah cold ah neeye thottu paaruuuuuuu
Podi podi.
Hey excuse me ms subulakshmi
ur activites are thappu lakshmi
un pechum thottam romba kuppa lakshmiiii….
Poda poda
u r my love ..
u r my love ..
hey kandhasamy yen lifela puyala vandha samy
yen azhaga paathu manusla nondha samu che vendha samy
un azhagunaala illa un imisaiyala nondha samy
un kaiyila sikka maatan indha samy
kadavul illannu sonna ramasamy
kadhal illannu solran kandhasamy
Nopa nopa nopa sonnaar valluvar grandpa
oodal thaandi koodachonnar kadaisi kuralil sharpa
vena vena vena ne naamam poda venam
un kooda vandha sanda pota vazhkai pogum veenah
Hitler pethiye hitler pethiye kadhal onnum yudhay illa kolladhey
Linkan Perane linkan perane thathuvangal pesy pesy kolladhey
kasmir naan ne pakisthan theraadhu disyum dhaan
Podi poda podi poda podi poda podipoda podi poda
Yei yenna romba overa panra
onnum panna vidamatriye
Nee padicha ponnu dhaana
unna padika mudiyalaye
Heyei th thalli po
Yenna thallitu po
Konjam moodu
romba mooooooooodu ..
aayyoooooooooooooooo
Vena vena vena wastu panna vena
ippo vitta thappeni pinnal aluva thaana
Podi podi podi foola pona lady
Girls nambi loosa pona boys pala kodi .
Hey uppu mootayei uppu mootayei lifelonga unna thooki sumapenda
Hey ducku muttayei ducku muttayei vaathu muttai kooda unna sethukadhu
pesaadhey nee crack madhi plz vaayen track maariiii.
Podi poda podi poda podi poda podipoda podi poda
Hey excuse me mr kandhasamy
oru coffee kudipom come with me
hott ah cold ah neeye thottu paaruuuuuuu
Podi podi.
Hey excuse me ms subulakshmi
ur activites are thapu lakshmi
un lippum hippum romba sappa lakshmiiii…. (what the????)
Poda poda