I wish I could just drown and disappear off the face of this earth without a trace. I am tired of swimming against the tide and just want it all to end. I’ve had enough.
Some remnant ‘spirit’ within spurs me to battle on and I listen to this spirit.
I try to resurface without choking but find myself dragged deeper and deeper into a deep and scary whirlpool.
People who should stand by me and support me have let me down, disappointed me and upset me.
Friends that I thought the world of have thrown my love and gestures back at my face with a scathing character assassination that I feel I don’t deserve. I sting from the verbal attack and cringe deeper within.
Darkness, despair and despondency are my only loyal companions! They refuse to leave me alone even though I want them to. I thrive in their company and sink deeper and deeper.
An innate sense of pride prevents me from letting on to the wider world how fragile I am. I block it all out and pretend to be brave. I try to help others when I am falling apart.
My heart cries out in pain – ‘Surely there is one person, just one person in this world who understands me and my motivations, just one person who can see through me, see through the facade I put up and see the real person within, just one person I can call a soul mate.’
The cynic within says categorically – ‘no, this person doesn’t exist. Stop living in fool’s paradise! It is a selfish world. No one is going to drop their lot in life to come to your rescue. You are your only ally! Toughen up, will you!’
The idealist who is my alter ego says – ‘Surely, there is one person whose life I have made a difference to. I am a nice person. I’ve only ever done the right thing by people. Maybe one day they will realise. Maybe I will find that one person in this life I can call my own, my soul mate.’
As the negative and the positive clash in the mind, I introspect. There are two kinds of people in the world – the kind who blame others and the kind who blame themselves. I am the latter kind. I blame myself for everything. Maybe I am not doing something right. Maybe I need to change. Maybe people perceive me a certain way because that is the way I am. Perception is reality! I convince myself that these people could be right; maybe I am not that nice.
My feeling self worth drops, I start believing people’s perceptions of me. I feel like I am of no value to anyone. I feel that my drowning is really not going to make a difference to a living soul. No one will even look for me, let alone save me or miss me. I feel worthless. I cry. I calm down, then I cry some more. This cycle goes on for a couple of days.
Suddenly the powers above tell me in their own special way – ‘you are not who you think you are. You are special! You are fantastic! Don’t ever doubt yourself! For every person who hurts you, there is a person who thinks the world of you. I think you are a terrific person! You are one of a kind!’
Suddenly the whirlpool doesn’t seem that scary. I learn to swim with the tide. I resurface – exhausted but relieved to have pulled through.
I have a long shower. I wash away all my woes, my fears, my insecurities, my tears and my pain. I come out glowing with new resolve and confidence. I say to myself – ‘If people realise my worth, they’ll want me in their life and they will come back looking for me. If they don’t, it’s their loss!’
I am very comfortable in my own skin. I am my worst critic and I know I am gold! What others think of me becomes immaterial. I fall in love with myself all over again! If the others fall in love with me too, that’s great, but I tell myself it shouldn’t become a dependency. I don’t feel the need to prove my integrity, my affection, my motivations or my character to anyone. I don’t want to confront anyone or prove them wrong. I am not going to have any conversations, make any calls or send any emails. I don’t need to! I have other interests and passions in life that I had forgotten about. They are reaching out to me now.
The transformation is almost complete. I feel happy, beautiful and wanted! I put on my nicest dress and my prettiest face. I walk out to face it all with renewed confidence and energy!!
And I would like to acknowledge a gorgeous little angel who threw me a lifeline by sending me the link to Super Singer! She doesn’t know she gave me back my life with that single gesture! She brought music and hope back into my life.
To see my favourite young contestant Kaushik rise above his insecurities and fears to get back in the competition is almost symbolic of my own journey and is definitely the icing on the cake! I truly wish I could make him win the contest. I look forward to watching him and cheering him over the next few weeks as opposed to feeling sad and miserable!